Random Thoughts

Been so long since i've posted on this blog. All these statements and thoughts from a guy that seems a lifetime away. I think I want to post here because it is somewhere I can hide, somewhere I can post my feelings and someone random could read them. That there is a possibility that people can read, understand and not have any negative impact in my life, seems, somewhat, relieving?

I think i'm disappointed with my life. So many dreams and visions when I was younger feels like they have slipped through my hands. I feel like i'm becoming like the people i never wanted to be.

There are good things in my life. I have a really lovely girlfriend that loves and cares for me, I have a good job that is enjoyable and i have a decent set of friends and family. I guess I want more. I feel that I want more.

I want to risk everything, I want to church plant. I want to live on the edge of life and take risks. I love my girlfriend now, but it's hard for me to see her being able to handle that type of life. What do you do? Adjust your dreams, forget them?

Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't patient enough. I know I love this girl with all my heart and she has so many things that I prayed for. Yet the spiritual side of our relationship and connection just isn't there. It is probably what saddens me the most.

Yet I think i have too much expectation and I'm a hypocrite all at the same time. My life isn't there yet I feel if I was to get there I would distance her from me.

I'm scared that I no longer have that tug on my heart from God. It feels as if my heart has hardened. That I long for my girlfriend more than God. I guess that what it meant in 1 Cor 7 when Paul is talking about being single and how it is good for we are able to wholly devote ourselves to God.

Gosh I want so badly for her to be on fire for God. I want so badly for her to be strongly passionate. Is that unfair to wish for?

I wish my life could reflect that, so I could lead her well, and help ignite that flame, yet all i seem to do is disappoint and let her down.

God you alone can change my heart, you alone draw me home.

What's with this new thing

Man it took me forever just to get back to this area on blogger where i can post... i think i'm getting old. Technology is starting to advance fast enough that i just don't care about keeping up anymore. Plus i'm dead broke, so that could have a big impact on it.


God i wish i wasn't so broke. I so need a job.


Think i'll post something more profound soon.

Christmas Cheer

Well, it's that time of the year again, when we all gather with family, and give our best wishes, and try to get along. It's funny, the way i felt before i became a christian has come back again during this period of time. It's strange, i haven't felt lathargic or depressed in a long time. So what's the cause... I guess the thing is, is that my life is so different now compared to my family. My parents come down and try to fix all my problems within 2 days, and all my family gathers, and we pretend to be a happy family even though i spend more time with the people that i work with, than all the time put together that i've spent with my family in the last 3 years.



You know, aside from that, i think the most depressing thing, is that there is no Jesus, in my family christmas. I don't feel like i've celebrated my salvation or my forgiveness at all today. I hate the way i'm feeling at the moment, and i know it's because i haven't been spending much time with god in the last few weeks. But i feel the reason for that, is almost that i'm afraid of setting myself too far apart from the ones i care about. I don't want to lose my friends, i don't want to lose my family, it's not as if i never talk or see them again, but i know that it just won't be the same.



However as i come to the end of christmast day, i'm getting to that point, where i remember why i'm following Jesus. Hope, love, change... I don't want to live an ordinary life, i don't want to wake up in 30 years and have a house, a car, a morgate, 2.5 kids... and have accomplished nothing else. Yes these things are great, and wonderful, but it's not life. "I came so that they may have life, and more abundently" true happiness is knowing christ, true happiness is to be able to love unselfishly.



To all those who actually read my blog... I miss you all, i wish you were here so i could spend time with you on this day. My heart longs for fellowship with you, longs to celebrate with you, longs to pray with you. Don't worry about gifts, or cards, your friendship is everything i need.



Don't worry about me... i'm not feeling too depressed, maybe more reflective than anything else. God bless you more than you can imagine, may god save you and your household, and may we run the race, in a way in which to win.



God bless, merry christmas.
Ben~

Prayer Poem

I want to see you in a different light
One that's plain and true
Not to see you for what i want
But what's really you.


How i long to know what true love is
Not selfish desires disguised
Not the war that wages within me
But the way i feel when i look into your eyes


The feeling of love and care
How I would give all until the end
Not an object of my desires
But my companion and friend


So Lord please help me with my weaknesses
For they weigh heavily on my soul
For I want to be your man of God
Not a man out of control


Let me not fall victim to my desires
But shine for what is true
For Holy righteousness lives in me
And I desire to be with You


And lastly to all my friends I know
Please try to understand
Though I may not always show it
You all mean the world to this man.


I would go to the ends of the earth
For God and for You
For though we don't have the same blood
My love for you is true.

Pain and Suffering~

"jesusissexy said...ok....so you are telling people that natural disasters that kill millions of people are a result of our choice and free will?put it this way...you say;god is all powerful and all loving i say; since there is disaster and turmoil in the world, god is either not "all powerful" or he is not "all loving" tell the millions of people, including children that die every year because of natural disasters, that it is "their" fault, and they have a choice to die. it must be very easy for you to preach your wacked ideals from the comfort of ur own home... have you ever tried taking a more public forum...you twat.



To Jesusisexy,
I’m really sorry about the late reply. I have been intending to write back to you since you replied with your post. I had written a response, and then decided to rewrite it, mostly because I feel that you don’t really want an argument to prove which of us is more ‘smarter’ but rather a real answer that relates to the world around us, and a reason why there is so much pain, pain which we believe is completely undeserved.




Suffering in the world is something that even I struggle with understanding. Being a Christian doesn’t stop bad things from happening to me either, I have seen those around me that I love and care about slowly succumb to cancer, people with no arms or legs having to beg for food, friends who have been raped or molested in their childhood. Suffering and pain, isn’t limited to third world people, but rather it is a universal stigma that affects us all.




If indeed this life is the only thing that you, me and everyone else has and there is nothing more after we die, than all the suffering, tears and cries of those children and others go unanswered. Life is truly tragic and all we strive for is in vain. Everything we hope for, our longings, struggles, dreams, and desires come to nothing, absolutely nothing. “Life is a bitch then you die”. However I don’t believe that is so, I believe that we have a soul that will last for eternity and there is an “all powerful” and “all loving god” who also has perfect justice.




Now in regard to all the natural disasters and pain and suffering in the world, I still believe that most of it is a result of evil people and not nature and that even the pain caused by natural disasters could definitly be minimized or eliminated if humans were as God created us to be. For example, famines, no one in the world would starve if people truly “loved his neighbor as himself”. The world has enough food to feed everyone but there are those that hord more than they need at the expense of others. For example, America makes up 7% of the worlds population but consumes half of the worlds resources.




There are a lot of “natural evils” in the world that could be prevented if their was no political wars, (for example; Cold War which resulted in wars such as Vietnam/ Korea which had side effects on the populations from Chemical weapons such as “Agent orange” which causes mutations) a balanced distribution of resources (a lot of south east asians eviromental problems are a result of exploitation from multinational corporations) or if people just didn’t have so much apathy towards the enviroment for example global warming which has resulted in huge climate changes causing extreme droughts and floods in different parts of the world. The world knows of this problem, yet there are countries that refuse to make changes such as America and Australia, who prefer profit and economic growth over safty. Not always are disasters “natural evils” but rather the result of evil hearts.




There are other disasters that are not caused by humans, and I would like to give you two reasons. Firstly we live in a fallen world. That might sound really stupid, but if what the bible says is true, then we live in a world that is tainted by sin (as a result of adam and eve eating the apple). If the world isn’t perfect anymore as it was ment to be, then natural disasters could be a reppercusion of sin. Which leads me to my next point.




Saving your physical body from pain or disease would really acomplish nothing in the end. Gods goal is not for your physical body to be saved, but rather your soul. Jesus healed people as a demonstration of his power to make it clear to those who were watching that God could do anything. But the healings were not only to heal, but to save souls. It was about the soul not the body, all those people Jesus healed eventually died of one thing or another, and 2000 years later all that matters was that their souls were saved.




Which matters more to you 2000 years from now? Whether or not your cancer is cured or whether or not your soul made it into eternal life.




I don’t know if I gave you the answer you wanted, but I know this for sure, that there are evil people in this world, and there is pain and suffering. We all eventually die, whether in the lap of luxury or in the gutter or on the battle field. All people die, even you and me. But what happens next is of greater importance than anything else in this life. This world is coming to an end, sooner or later the stars will stop shinning and the sun will run out of energy. But your soul will still exist. I know God is all powerful and all loving and has perfect justice. I don’t understand why somethings happen, but I trust that God will make it right. I trust that God will judge all our actions, those done in public and those done in secret and that through Jesus’s sacrifice I will have eternal life with God.
Please take care of yourself this Easter, and hope you can reply when you have time.

Why Is The World Full Of Suffering?

To Joisuschrist,

I hope you don't mind me quoting what you wrote.

"joisuschrist said...
you are an absolute evangelical freako!!! get real! god is not talking to you! stop using it as an excuse to indulge in your self-obsessed trite! go show how much god is loving to the millions of people dying of aids and starving in africa....maybe ur f****** "dilemma" at the hyatt regency wont seem like such a challenge as you walk in the footsteps of your creator. f******!"

First of all, thanks for replying to one of my posts, since all the other replies that i usually get are from some random porn site. Strangly enough i'm not at all insulted by what you wrote... I am definitly an evangelical freako, I enjoy talking about Christ more than anything else. Perhaps i do seem a bit self-obsessed and trite, but the God i know cares about the little things i'm going through, He cares about the things your going through too. You do make a really good point (which i've made bold) of why am I not off in so far off country trying to help these people? But I think more of the underlying question is why does God all a world to be full of suffering~ So let me try to answer both of those questions and I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

1) Why am I not in africa?

Well first of, i'm only 21, fresh out of university and still studying and trying to get a full time job. I'm currently going to Bible college and also doing a certificate in real estate. Short term wise, i want to complete my studies, and generate enough income to purchase fixed assets that will be able to give me money so when i go into full time ministry (going help people, etc) i don't need to be funded by other people. I do however sponser a child on my meager income, and donate money to other organizations. However I believe that there is a lot of work that can be done in the community around us, without flying 20,000kms away. I'm sure you know of homeless people, abused, loney, people in your city that could use your love and care as much as anyone else. So i try to help where I can.

2) Why is the world full of suffering?

Now this is a much more interesting question. I'll try to put it into a logical progression of thought. If it's too long or boring at times, please try to bare with it a little.

The world is full of suffering because God gave us all free will and with this free will comes the possibility of them misusing that freedom, even if this means hurting other people. What is freedom to love, (lets say) or not love unless it is the freedom to make someones life better or to harm them. If we could only choose one path, or one action, or one outcome of any situation, it would no longer be considered free will.

For instance, if i gave my newphew five dollars to spend on anything he wants, yet I stepped in and stopped him everytime I thought he was spending it on something wrong (according to my judgement) would that five dollars really be his?

In the same way, you and me have a huge capacity to love, and a huge capacity to cause harm to those around us. The choice is ours, we can either build people up or tear them to pieces. You see by the choices people have made in this world, it has made life harder. For instance, if all the rich countries in the world donated 10% of their surplus, no one would be starving in the world. We, ourselves had the cure for the worlds problems yet we choose, because of reasons such as money, power, or politics not to help these people and as a result these people suffer.

joisuschrist I know it's not your real name, but if you want to, please reply with your thoughts.
Anyway, take it easy.
Ben~

The Power Of Man/Women

Random thoughts


Have you ever realised the amount of power we hold as individuals, as humans, as beings with free will and the ability to influence eternity.


For instance, as individuals, we can choose to do anything except die... you can go swimming, chase cars, starve, eat excessively, kiss people, kiss animals... a whole mutlitude of both interesting and crazy choices are at our disposal.


It's interesting how much pure love of one person can affect another. The love of a friend to pull you through the hardest of times, to give you joy and comfort when the world around you gets too much, to stand by yourside when everyone else has left, to know how your feeling, to show you the lighter side of the seriousness of life.


I'm amazed by pure love... pure of a christian brother or sister is amazing too. A love that forgives your faults, understands that your past is your past, prays for your current stuggles and doesn't give up.


"perfect love casts out all fears"