Random Thoughts

Been so long since i've posted on this blog. All these statements and thoughts from a guy that seems a lifetime away. I think I want to post here because it is somewhere I can hide, somewhere I can post my feelings and someone random could read them. That there is a possibility that people can read, understand and not have any negative impact in my life, seems, somewhat, relieving?

I think i'm disappointed with my life. So many dreams and visions when I was younger feels like they have slipped through my hands. I feel like i'm becoming like the people i never wanted to be.

There are good things in my life. I have a really lovely girlfriend that loves and cares for me, I have a good job that is enjoyable and i have a decent set of friends and family. I guess I want more. I feel that I want more.

I want to risk everything, I want to church plant. I want to live on the edge of life and take risks. I love my girlfriend now, but it's hard for me to see her being able to handle that type of life. What do you do? Adjust your dreams, forget them?

Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't patient enough. I know I love this girl with all my heart and she has so many things that I prayed for. Yet the spiritual side of our relationship and connection just isn't there. It is probably what saddens me the most.

Yet I think i have too much expectation and I'm a hypocrite all at the same time. My life isn't there yet I feel if I was to get there I would distance her from me.

I'm scared that I no longer have that tug on my heart from God. It feels as if my heart has hardened. That I long for my girlfriend more than God. I guess that what it meant in 1 Cor 7 when Paul is talking about being single and how it is good for we are able to wholly devote ourselves to God.

Gosh I want so badly for her to be on fire for God. I want so badly for her to be strongly passionate. Is that unfair to wish for?

I wish my life could reflect that, so I could lead her well, and help ignite that flame, yet all i seem to do is disappoint and let her down.

God you alone can change my heart, you alone draw me home.